Transcript of The #1 Toxic ADHD Relationship Pattern

So there's a few patterns that can happen with ADHD relationships, but there's one particular pattern that happens way more often than the others. So in this video, I'm gonna break down what this pattern is. I'm going to show you how destructive it can be. And then I'm going to give you some tips on how to avoid it. If you're new here, my name's Chris. And I am a creator with ADHD. And I help coach fellow busy brains with the tools, the systems, and the strategies to finally learn, grow, and get shit done. So in my time as a coach, I have worked with thousands of clients. And when it comes to ADHD relationships, there's one common pattern that keeps on coming up over and over and over again. And that common A D H D relationship pattern is the parent child dynamic. So it usually goes a little something like this. The ADHDer in the relationship doesn't follow up on the tasks that they are responsible for. So the intent is there, they want to do it, but there's no systems in place to really sort of help them. So they often don't do the tasks, they fail at doing the tasks that they promised. And then the partner... Overcompensates and starts to take on the lion's share of those tasks. So they start to pick up where the ADHDer has been promising but not actually performing. And this is okay at first. This is something that is usually, again, comes from a place of good intent. But over time, because it's taking on the extra burden of the relationship, it causes stress. Because usually it's not a temporary thing and it just sort of builds up. And this becomes even more stressful because this extra burden that is being taken on is often something that the ADHDer is capable of, but simply just not completing. And then that partner starts to mention that the extra burden is stressful, and they start to communicate that with the ADHDer. So then with all the best intent, the ADHDer starts to say, yeah, I will do that. I'll help out and I will take on those tasks. So again, it goes back to the ADHDer and they agree to do these tasks with all the intent of doing those. But again, because there's no systems in place, those tasks often don't get followed through. So then the partner reminds the ADHDer again and says, Look, you said that you would do these things, you didn't do them, please can you do them? And then the ADHDer says, Yeah, of course. I know that, I'm gonna do it, don't worry about it. But again, there's not a solid system in place, so maybe it happens once or twice, but then it becomes a matter of forgetting again. So the ADHDer starts to become reliably unreliable and over time that unreliability starts to compound. So the partner starts to get frustrated because of these broken promises, what is seen as broken promises. And that frustration and hurt and anger starts to come out in the delivery when they're reminding the ADHD er of the things that they promised to do. So then the ADHD er can see that frustration, that anger, that hurt in the delivery and then start to say, yeah, of course I will do it. But inside they start to feel a little bit resentful themselves. The ADHD er starts to try harder, but with frustration and resentment, and then the partner starts to escalate more and more with their frustration and their hurt in asking for these things to be done. So when the ADHD does complete tasks, they don't get praise because this is something that over time has been promised and failed. So this becomes the lowest level. This becomes the lowest bar, right? So the ADHD doesn't get praised, but they do get pointed out when they do fail at completing something. So over time, it becomes a string of perceived failures on the ADHD's part, and on the partner's part, it just becomes a constant extra job that they have to do, which is to remind and make very clear how important it is to complete these tasks. And over time, this becomes a negative feedback loop. Because the partner needs to escalate in order to get any sort of results or motivation out of the ADHD And the ADHD er starts to feel nagged and which actually makes them feel less inclined to do the tasks that they've already promised to do. Because they feel like they're going to get shouted at regardless of whether it gets done or not. So the gap between the ADHD and the partner starts to get wider and wider and then that becomes almost the dynamic of a parent and child because the partner becomes the parent telling the ADHD what needs to be done, what's agreed to be done, all of these rules and systems that are in place and the ADHDer starts to feel like no matter what they do, they can't They can't win. They can't achieve the things, these lofty standards that are being set out. So they start to retreat inwards and they start to feel like the child of the relationship. so as an ADHDer in the relationship, they feel super overwhelmed. They feel already overwhelmed with the daily management of ADHD. Trying to navigate the challenges of that, but then on top of that, there's the relationship challenges. Because they not only have to achieve the tasks that are already difficult, but they also have to navigate the stress of a partner feeling frustrated and feeling like they have to look after their partner's feelings and navigate that on top of the tasks already so they can feel super overwhelmed. And oftentimes, the ADHDer can feel like subordinate to their partner. Because the partner is spending a lot of time correcting their behavior and commenting and reminding. And because of that constant feedback, which is perceived as negative feedback, negative criticism, The ADHD can start to feel like they have a boss, like they have a parent, and that they're incapable of doing the things that they're promising to do. So this really affects the ADHDer's self esteem, because that gets lower and lower, because they feel like they're incapable of doing regular, normal, everyday ADHD ends up... And the ADHDer feels super afraid of failing again, so it actually becomes less likely that those tasks are going to be done because they're so scared of making a decision and getting it wrong, or not fully following it through, because of the potential of a blow up or an argument from it. Oftentimes that becomes a paralysis, where the ADHDer just doesn't take any action, because that's easier to not take action. And hopefully not get blown up at, than to take the action and get shouted at for doing it wrong and adding extra work in. It becomes very demotivating and the ADHDer stops taking action. And the ADHDer can end up feeling super unloved and unwanted. Because they're getting a constant reminder from their partner, the person that loves them so much, that they are failing. And that their failing is impacting the relationship significantly. And they can feel that they can see that in their partner's frustration and anger and hurt and pain. And it's a constant reminder that they are what is perceived as failing, not only in the daily day to day adult tasks to do, but also their relationship on top of that. So they can feel unloved because they can feel like they're never enough. So this is the parent child dynamic that can happen as a really common ADHD relationship pattern, and I've seen it happen numerous times over and over. Let me know in the comments below if you've experienced this before, if you've been part of this parent child dynamic. . So the question is, what can be done to avoid falling into this pattern? In this video, I'm actually just gonna address what the ADHDer can do simply for the fact that I know that a lot of my audience is people with ADHD rather than their partners. But let me know if you're a partner of an ADHDer and you want to have some tips on what you can do on your side to help break out of this dynamic. So as an ADHDer, the first piece of advice that I would give is to recognize what you can control. You cannot control how other people react. You cannot control how other people respond. You cannot control how other people see you. When you're in a relationship, you don't have control over what the other person does. And to fool yourself into thinking that you do have control or to try to assert some sort of control is a waste of time. And it's also toxic in itself, right? So you have to take full responsibility for what you do and the actions that you take in order to move the relationship forward and create a better relationship. You can only control yourself, your actions, and your environment. And that's the environment of the relationship as well. You have control over that. The reality is that as an ADHDer, we still have control over ourselves. We still have control over our actions. It's just a matter of how. So as an ADHDer, it's not that we are incapable of doing things, it's just that some things are more difficult than others. So recognizing those challenges and recognizing the control that we have over ourselves and our environment, then we can start to come up with some more solid solutions to helping the situation. So the next thing, is to empathize with your partner. So as an ADHDer in a relationship, it's really crucial to make sure that yes, you're acknowledging your own challenges and your own feelings, but also to recognize that you are part of a partnership. You are, one half of a relationship, and it's really important to take the time to empathize and to understand and put yourself in your partner's shoes and understand their challenges with this situation, partner of an ADHDer can feel really unwanted and unloved cared, because to them, they think to themselves, if you cared about this relationship about me, then you would do the things that you follow through, they would be important to you. They can also feel super angry and blocked with their emotions. That anger inside from the frustration of taking on the burden of the relationship and for themselves feeling like it's not something that they really signed up for. They signed up to be part of a team. So when they have to take on the bulk of the responsibilities and the tasks, they can feel super angry about that. And with that anger, that can cause a lot of disconnect because they're set, they're feeling like an island, they feel isolated and they feel like they're on their own, even though they're technically part of a relationship. So that anger can build up inside. think of the stress that they have to go through in order to pick up not only the things that they've agreed to do, but also the test that somebody else has agreed to do, that isn't doing. They're taking on both roles of this relationship. So they have an extra burden, but also they can feel like they're failing in the relationship on their side as well because they're not coming up with the right ways to help the situation out, help you understand the importance of sharing the tasks and the responsibilities of the relationship. , and it can lead to a feeling of hopelessness because they see it escalating over time, where they pick up more responsibilities, they feel like they have to escalate in order to get you to understand the stress that they're under, and then they feel guilty, and then they feel bad, And then the ADHDer ends up doing less and less and less and this negative spiral can end up leading to the partner looking at the relationship and feeling hopeless, feeling like there's no way out of this and at the end of their tether, really. So making sure that you understand and take the time to really empathize what your partner is feeling and why they are acting in the way that they are is really crucial to stopping this negative feedback loop. The next tip to avoid this cycle is to understand that playing the blame game, leads to completely ineffective solutions. It doesn't help anything. You know it's very easy to be able to point the finger of blame at the partner and say, Hey, this is your fault. Like you need to understand my ADHD. You need to accommodate me. You need to recognize that I have challenges and that can become part of that toxic cycle, right? Because you're constantly pointing the finger and saying, this is something that you need to do because I have this thing that I can't control. So as a partner in a relationship, pointing the finger of blame onto the other person doesn't resolve anything. It doesn't create any solutions. It doesn't help the problem. And often the immediate reaction from people when you point out that it's not about blaming, the immediate gut reaction is to say that's what my partner does that my partner blames me. And that in itself is blaming. So as soon as you say, yeah, but my partner blames, then that is you falling for the same illusion of blaming the other person. So again, this is about what you can control. You're not responsible for your partner's actions. You're responsible for your actions. You're responsible for what you do. And by blaming, you're actually spending more time in the past trying to figure out whose fault it is and point fingers of blame on somebody else other than yourself, rather than taking responsibility and saying, I am in control of what I do and what I can do that's most effective is figure out solutions to Move forward to actually progress this relationship and come up with good systems that will help this relationship. And that's what being a team member is all about, right? So you may have heard the phrase, you are 100 percent responsible for your 50%. And that's true. And that starts with stopping the blame game and taking responsibility for your actions and what you do. And it's really important to have. Big conversations, the difficult conversations, and figure out with your partner, what is the biggest, most challenging tasks and challenges that you have in order to find the effective solutions for them? So again, you can take responsibility yourself by thinking back to previous conversations, thinking back to The times your partner has pointed out the stuff that really hurt, the failings, the not following through on things that really impacted their feelings. So you can take the responsibility and start thinking back to previous conversations, but then start to open up the conversation in a realistic manner with your partner and saying, Okay. Here's what I think is the most meaningful challenges. Let's start to talk about ways through to take the burden off you and to come up with the good systems to help us through it. But also understand that These conversations may not necessarily go well at first, simply for the fact that there is broken emotional safety there. Because of all these failings, and because of the history of now arguments and blow ups, it can be very difficult and triggering for the partner to have these conversations. So I'm going to do another video on emotional safety and the impact that it has on us as ADHDers and also ADHD relationships. But for now, just understand that these conversations may be difficult and challenging at first, but it doesn't mean that they're impossible. Again, this is not something that is impossible to happen. This is something that is simply just going to be a challenge along the way. It's important to acknowledge what you're not good at. We can't pretend that we as ADHDers are perfect and that we have no challenges. So understanding the way your brain works, your executive functions, your organization, your the skills that you have not necessarily developed as much as you could have done over time, understanding those challenges and what you're not great at is the first step to really understanding what can be done about it. And this doesn't mean that you have to become this perfect person this is simply acknowledging the challenges that you have and then figuring out what solutions you can do in order to overcome these challenges. And this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to do those things. You can also delegate. Not necessarily delegate to your partner, but there are ways of delegating specific tasks to other people rather than saying, yes, I promise I will fix. The plumbing, or I promise I will do X, Y, Z. The solution could be delegating to somebody else in order to get it done. So paying someone in order to do it, or enlisting a friend to help, there are many ways of getting something done. And again, taking that burden on yourself and becoming resentful about it isn't necessarily the best solution. So this is about acknowledging the things that you are not necessarily good at right now, and figuring out the solutions in order to overcome those challenges. When it comes to overcoming all of these ADHD challenges and navigating the conversations with your partner. It's important to build good ADHD systems that you both agree on. Having strong ADHD systems is the key to managing those ADHD challenges. And when you open the conversations with your partner and you build those systems together, acknowledging your own challenges and acknowledging your partner's feelings and the challenges that they're having by taking on what they've taken on, you're able to come together to build better systems that work for both of you. It's really important that both of you come up with this together, because if you're just taking on the responsibility of a system and then it fails, then all the blame goes on to you again, right? Whereas when you're working together with your partner, and you're taking the time and having those conversations to build good systems that you both agree to. Then it becomes you and your partner versus the problem. Because so often when it comes to blame, that becomes you versus your partner. So this is simply acknowledging both yours and your partner's strengths and weaknesses and saying, okay, how can we as a team figure out a way to overcome this problem? Rather than it becoming you and your ADHD versus your partner, and you're having to butt heads. Remember, ADHD doesn't make us incapable of doing things, it simply makes some things more challenging. We have the same capabilities as everyone else, but some things are more challenging, and it's really important to acknowledge that. Because once you acknowledge that, then you can start to build better systems. So if you want to know more of what good ADHD systems look like, then make sure you leave a comment below and I'll be sure to make a video on it. And if you want more skills, tips and strategies for learning more about managing your ADHD, Then make sure you subscribe to the channel. And with that, I will see you in the next video. Thanks guys.