Transcript of Eleanor keeps figuring it out (and the one time Jason did) | The Good Place

all right nerds let's just get this over with I'll go to the bad place with real Elanor and you three can stay yes we get to stay baby we did it wait no you're not going I am what why real Eleanor is my soulmate or was my soulmate and she's only going down there because she thinks that I don't love her do you I don't know please don't ask me that my stomach hurts the point is if she's going down there because of me I'll never be at peace yes we get to stay baby we did it no this is Bonkers I am going end of story no I'm going end of everything what now you're trying to replace chitty no I'm going to replace real Ellena chitty and I are going to go together which means that you and real Ellena and Jason can stay yes we get to stay baby we did it look I love you and I think you love me we can be together away from everyone else obviously will be miserable but I truly believe our love will make us happy okay you realize the bad place is not some sort of Couple's Retreat right if it is Janet and I would like to go oh that's enough out of you robot lover hey that's racist not a robot oh you have some ner only I'm going because elor is going if you go it doesn't make sense for me to go holy mother forking shirt ball balls what wow okay okay woo yo Mikey Sean come on out is everything okay right as rain Mikey my boy so cheaty and I are going to go to the bad place what trust me I've got this that's our decision let's hit it what about real no it's me and Chey call the train point of order I don't accept this offer the real mistakes were Jason and now out G you said any two of us it's me and Chey let's do it to it Michael I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone buzz off Boma John don't need it oh okay ready when you are boss Elanor what's going on it took me a while to figure it out but just now as we were all fighting and yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the bad place I thought to myself man this is torture and then it hit me they're never going to call a train to take us to the bad place they can't because we're already here this is the bad place [Music] oh man I can't believe you figured it out oh God you you ruined everything you know that oh man elanar you really suck I was so close to pulling it off no [Music] sorry so she's right yeah she figured it out no this doesn't make any sense this is Paradise oh it looks like paradise but it's actually a filthy dumpster full of our worst anxieties I'm surrounded by people who are literally better than me just me being here forc cheaty into an ethical cluster Fork tahani torture Jason by constantly trying to get him to talk Jason tortured me because I was sure he would blow our cover which was torture for cheaty because he was responsible for me which made cheaty seemed like the perfect soulmate and that tortured Tani because he didn't love her you don't love me please don't ask me that right now see we've been torturing each other since the moment we arrived and everything Michael has done has made at least one of us miserable he played us like a fiddle oh dip Elanor I told you that first night that we were in a prank sh Jo oh yeah you did great job man cheaty don't go I don't care if you don't love me I love you it's the only thing that makes any sense to me in this crazy world and I think stop Vicky they figured it out they they know this is the bad place elener figured it out oh man this was supposed to be my big moment I just rehearsed that speech for like 3 hours damn it Eleanor you are the worst and you can all suck it this is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet I got to figure out what it means could be the key to this entire mystery luong perfect um why don't you take uh ganu back to your yurt right away homie no I'm not spending another second with this loser you said he was going to be my best friend but he is not my best friend from Jackson was named pillboy and he was dope we would talk together get high together throw old batteries at drones together but this guy can't hold a camel to pillboy okay I no longer think he's a wise Monk and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage babe there you are I've been let me stop you can I guess you've been worried sick about me I'm headed to the gym sure why not I'm quite confused let me explain gorgeous I don't know what the this place is but it is certainly not the good place Michael is forking with us like a prank show yeah like a prank show except according to this note it's a prank show we've all been on before what note apparently I wrote myself a note and stuck it in that Jackie lady's mouth Janet her name is Janet oh right Janet hi there hi Janet hi [Laughter] Jason are you kidding me elanar shellstrop you sneak little so and so that was some very quick thinking I'm extremely impressed and to be honest I'm relieved at least there's an explanation for why this all went South so fast but you're not going to be so lucky next time next time what yeah he's going to do it again that's not going to work this time dummy okay excuse me I'm sorry but this is unacceptable I demand speak to your Superior I am so sorry madam please forgive me this is daily notes log for attempt number three of my neighborhood experiment obviously I hope and assume this will be the final version no I know it will be all the Kinks have been worked out this is the one and after I pull this off they're going to hang my picture in a bad place Hall of Fame right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth Michael what do we do here I don't know I apparently the bad place knows that one of you actually belongs down there with them and they want that person to get inside the obisk or they're going to take all of you I can't go I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids menu what a stupid age I am I'd never survived down there they should take Ela she's a peir shape she'd fit right in oh excuse me you wish you could have a bite of this pair I'll go I deserve to go you guys can stay you're not I have to go exactly why should be doing it holy forking shirt you guys don't you get it Michael is torturing us that's why our lives have been so miserable since the moment we got here this isn't the good place it's the bad place a farts my love my sweet do drop I have written you a 3our spoken word Jazz Opera cool elor less and more who's it for for you my do drop creamer the CRP top to the B to the Bop to the Top okay no what no no version of Heaven for anyone would ever include 3 hours of this we're in the bad place aren't we damn it that was a real trip for biscuits and now we're all wet Daddyo I never even got to play my stupid triangle attempt 57 attempt 99 attempt 108 I've analyzed some recent data elanar always seems to realize that they're in the bad place just at the moment excuse me sorry the door was open so I just came in did you just say I'm in the bad place attempt 109 I've closed and locked the door yep and and we're ready to go this is your soulmate Greg this is your soulmate Glenn this is your soulmate tahani this is your soulmate lur this is your soulmate a golden retriever hang on wait a minute you know what holy smokes this is the bad place this is the bad place this is the bad place this is the bad place the pig's getting angry this is the bad place be these be oh oh this is the bad [Music] place where is everyone who knows maybe they finally figured out clam chatter is disgusting cuz it's basically a Savory latte with bugs in it is someone smoking a cigar Michael really screwed this up the regular bad place was fine if the foreheaded flying Bears ain't broke don't fix them what was wrong with impaling I loved impaling hey Todd got a light uh yeah obviously I have a light you know you guys aren't supposed to be smoking you're supposed to keep your human suit on those suits are really itchy for us who even cares if they see us they're just going to get rebooted anyway oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God this is the bad place I fcking knew it and clam chowder is disgusting it's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons okay well what do we do Panic freak I usually panic but I am happy to freak we have to stay cool as my mom always used to say if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack there's always something you can gnaw through your mom always is that that Michael you simply cannot expect jitty to decide whether homies check it is there something messed up with this place we keep fighting with each other none of the TVs get the NFL Red Zone Channel my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake portal is I know this sounds crazy but I think we're in the bad place Jason figured it out Jason this is a reaload point yeah this one hurts oh [Music]